


How To Make Love To The Flash

by liquidheartbeats2



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-15
Updated: 2021-01-20
Packaged: 2021-03-13 11:22:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28777494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/liquidheartbeats2/pseuds/liquidheartbeats2
Summary: Iris West writes an erotic novel about her sex life with The Flash, with plans to self-publish it under the alias, Jenna Stewart -- with Barry's blessing. Because of a technical glitch her manuscript gets uploaded prematurely before she can tell Barry about it, and it soon becomes a bestseller. This is a story about what happens next.
Relationships: Barry Allen/Iris West, Cisco Ramon & Earth-2 Harrison "Harry" Wells
Comments: 38
Kudos: 65





	1. Riding The Lightning

**Author's Note:**

> I started this story over two years ago and stopped after chapter 3. I've decided to continue it. Chapter 4 (the new chapter) will be up soon. Hope you enjoy! :) 
> 
> Edit: I can't decide if bolding the excerpts from Iris's bools helps to read along or if it's distracting. Should I keep it bolded or should I just italicize it?

##  **_Chapter 1: Riding The Lightning_ **

_**"I anticipated things to be a little rough the first time The Flash and I had sex. But wondering whether or not my body could sustain the magnitude of who he was trumped even my very real fear of transitioning from friends to lovers.** _

_**'Be gentle with me,' I begged of him, hoping he’d oblige me, secretly wishing he wouldn’t. Part of me wanted to be completely consumed by everything that he was. Seeing him zipping through the streets of Central City, running towards danger, thwarting bullets, and jolts of meta energy of every kind with ease, I wanted to experience some of that power.** _

_**But another part of me knew that I was fully human, and had not the capacity to take him at his strongest, at his fiercest, at his neediest. So when he peered up at me, his green eyes darkened by lust, and said 'always,' I was both relieved and disappointed.** _

_**Looking back, I was naive about what making love to The Flash would entail.** _

_**It wasn’t the forcefulness (intentional, or accidental) I needed to prepare myself for. Even when we were in the deepest throes of passion, he maintained a level of control worth applauding, always taking me to my limits, but never exceeding them. But it was the power, the hot, all-encompassing transfer of his electrical current into me that lit my body on fire in the best possible ways.** _

_**It was the way my hair would stand on end when I went down on him, evidence that his arousal had ignited some abnormal flow of electricity inside of him that had found its way into the atmosphere. It was the way he made eye contact with me, through stunted grunts, gathering my unruly hair into his large strong hands, telling me he’d help me fix it when this was over. Then, not missing a beat, tossing his head back, when the tip of his cock finally introduced itself to my tonsils.** _

_**It was grabbing onto his broad shoulders, easing down onto his manhood, followed by the low, guttural groaning escaping his pink lips, as my walls stretched to make room for his invasion that preceded something that should have been absolutely terrifying: seeing his beautiful green eyes, crackle with orange and yellow electricity every time our bodies met. Thrust after thrust, his eyes lit up our dimly lit room, growing with intensity as we worked closer to our goal.** _

_**It was resisting the urge to close my eyes as an orgasm ripped through my core, not wanting to miss out on the light show underneath me. It was, once again, me being so naive that I didn’t even realize that I couldn’t have missed it if I wanted to.** _

_**And finally, it was him curling his feet up to his body as he came violently inside of me, bright white, piercing lightning shooting out from every single pore in his body — into mine — then bouncing and crackling off of the walls, before fizzling out into the floor…** _

**_**______________________________________**_ **

Eyes wide, Caitlin Snow snatched the e-reader out of Cisco’s hands.

“Hey! Give that back!” Cisco demanded.

“No, that’s _way_ more about Barry than I ever need to know –and I’m his _doctor._ "

“Then don’t read it, sister, but I’m trying to find out if Barry turns into a Christmas Light Show when he busts."

“CISCO!” Caitlin yelled. “This is an invasion of his privacy!”

Cisco shrugged. “Blame Iris — I mean Jenna Stewart, or whatever pen name she’s going by these days. She’s the one who put it on the web.”

“Are we sure it was Iris?”

“Barry’s slept with three entire women in his life, but if there was ever a woman he’d turn into a glow worm for, it would be with Iris."

Cisco hurled over with laughter. Caitlin hit Cisco in the chest, but her own laughter escaped. Once she finally gained her composure, she grabbed Cisco’s hand. “For the record, I did NOT laugh.”

“Sure you didn’t.”

“How did you even find this?”

“I have google alerts for The Flash set up.”

“Oh great, anything new comes up in the search?” Barry asked as he entered the room, fresh from a mission. 

Cisco gasped and spun around, hiding the E-reader behind his back. “For you!? I mean. For Flash? No, no. Of course not. Why would you think something like that?” 

Barry tilted his head, perplexed by Cisco's unease. “Well, I heard Cait say ‘How’d you even find this?' And then you were like 'Well I set up google -- '"

“OH! That.” Cisco hit himself in the forehead. “Just another blogger posting pics of you out in the field. Kinda like _Iris_ used to do."

Caitlin clocked Cisco in the chest, this time with more force, knocking the wind out of him. But more importantly shutting him up “Cisco, darling, let me check that cough for you. Do excuse us, Barry,” Caitlin said as she guided Cisco out of the cortex, away from Barry.


	2. Early Encounters

##  **_Chapter 2: Early Encounters  
_ **

_**"I felt pretty powerful the first time I broke The Flash, leaving him the image of a shivering, convulsing blur of a man underneath me. The only thing that kept me steady atop him was the ironclad grip he had on my ass, and my sheer willingness to finally fuck him into submission."** _

****______________________________________** **

“Oh, God! Make it stop.” Wally West covered his ears with his hands, unsure of what he’d walked in on in the speed lab, completely unwilling to let any more of that scene weasel its way into his memory. “What the hell is this? Flash fan Fiction?”

Cisco chuckled. “Your sister is definitely a Flash fan, but this ain’t no fan fiction, brother. It’s a 150-page e book, which already has..." he scrolled further down the page, “10…12…15 reviews on Amazon.”

“What?! Iris really wrote this? And published it?"

Caitlin peered over Cisco's shoulder. “That seems to be the case,” Caitlin responded tentatively."

Wally's mouth dropped open. “But...but. WHY?"

Caitlin placed a thoughtful hand on Wally's shoulder. “Look, I know this is more than any brother would want to hear about his sister, but she is a married woman and she has every right to explore her sexuality."

"AGHH!– stop talking. Please" Wally grabbed his head and rushed out of the speed lab.

“I think you broke him Snow,” chimed in Harry Wells, who was nursing a sly grin from the corner.

Cisco chuckled. “Sounds like Iris is the one doing the breaking around here."

Caitlin leaned down, attempting to retrieve the E-reader from Cisco. “I think that’s enough for today, don’t you think? Wally might never return as it is.”

Cisco first hesitated, but then relinquished the e-reader. “Fine. You’re right."But before Caitlin could securely grip the device, Harry snatched it from Cisco's hands. "Gimme that Ramon. You don’t start something like that, then not finish it'

“Harry!” Caitlin yelled out. 

Harry shooed Caitlin's judgment away like a fly, then adjusted his glasses to pick up where Cisco had left off.

****______________________________________** **

_**"I felt even more powerful hearing my name slip from his lips, ringing out throughout our bedroom, not just in the booming vibrato of a man who had been so thoroughly fucked he couldn’t think straight, but when his voice dropped below a whisper, due to him having not the energy to scream any longer."** _

**______________________________________**

“Booming vibrato? Since when does "booming vibrato" describe Barry’s voice?” Cisco cut in. 

Caitlin perched a hand on her hip. “Oh, so you’re an expert on what Barry’s voice sounds like during sex?” 

Cisco frowned. “Touche."

“Hey! Frick and frack!" Harry interjected, “No interruptions!" 

****______________________________________** **

_**"It took a while to get to that point,” Harry continued. "This was a new experience for me, and even when I didn’t account for his powers, it was challenging. You’ve seen the Flash, tall, svelte– swanlike even. Not exactly the attributes of a well-endowed man in my mind. But I figured that what he might lack in size, he’d make up for in heart. Again. Naive. Because the first time he revealed himself to me, 'Wow,' was all that I could say. 'Wow. Wow. Wow'**_

_**Maybe I was crazy but my first instinct was to reach out and wrap my fingers around its base. He was rock hard, so foreplay would have in vain. He was ready, and God knows I was cautiously waiting in anticipation. But though I’d known this man a lifetime, we both knew that this part of him deserved a proper introduction. I’ll never forget the way his tongue caught between his teeth or the lustful glint that sparkled in his eye, as he anticipated my next move, the most intense display confidence I’d ever seen from him.** _

_**What followed was me massaging his length, until he’d expanded to his full capacity, which had to have been between 8 or 9 gloriously terrifying inches. 'Baby, you’re huge,' I whispered. More fondling led to undressing and caressing, and then it was time to mount him. Hovering over his cock, I took in a deep breath. He ran his hands up and down my back, smiling at me. 'Are you sure you’re ready?' I nodded, knowing all too well that I was lying. He knew it too, for he then reached between my legs to massage my clit, then once I was thoroughly aroused, slipped a finger inside of me, then another. Then one more. Stretching, preparing me for what was to come next. Oh shit, hat feels amazing,” I said, latching onto his shoulders as I rode fingers towards ecstasy.** _

_**His fingers slipped from me and I was soon placed on my back. He trailed soft, needy kisses down my body, starting at my mouth, and working his way down my body. He hovered over my pussy, then leaned down and kissed my center before, finally pushing my legs open and, lowering himself into me.** _

_**'Oh, God,' I cried out, once he broke ground. ;;He stalled a moment, to let me adjust, then plunged deep inside of me. I dug my nails into his arms, as he bottomed out. His welcomed intrusion hurt in the best way, in the worst way, but even through his lightning struck eyes, I could see the overwhelming concern for me - always the hero.** _

_**'Keep going,' I urged him, voice tight. 'Keep going.'** _

_**He grunted, slowly withdrawing halfway from my body, then thrusted back down, over and over, each procession gradually building up to be more forceful than the last. I screamed, unabashedly, savoring the feel of being stretched beyond my wildest dreams, relaxing more and more into our dalliance with each stroke. You’re doing so good, baby,” he moaned as sweat gathered above his brow. “So good."** _

_**I tossed my head to the side, reveling in being able to take all of him, in being the one person in the world he could satisfy his carnal needs with. Eventually, he swept a vibrating thumb against my sensitive clit, a sensation more powerful than any vibrator I’d ever owned. 'Oh God, just like that, baby. More!' I cried out,”not knowing that ‘more’ wasn’t the smartest command to give a speedster on a mission.** _

_**Before I knew it, I was a sputtering, spasm-ing mess, completely surrendered to The Flash, as he continued thrusting through the first of many orgasms that night. The only thing I could do to stop the screaming was to pull him down so that we were chest to chest and cry out into the crook of his neck. 'Fuck me, Flash. Fuck me...' Words of a foolish woman, ready to be completely destroyed by her lover…"** _

****______________________________________** **

“So Iris wants me to believe is that Barry Allen is some kind of sex god?” Cisco asked. 

Harry laughed. “Actually, I don’t think you’re the audience she had in mind at all, Ramon."

“If I was, this would be a very different conversation, wouldn’t it?

“I don’t even wanna know what you mean by that. Anyway, is this why West is always so damn chipper?” Harry added, through stunted laughter.

“God, what woman wouldn’t be?” Caitlin answered monotonously as she stared off into the distance. A beat later her gaze found Cisco and Harry, who were staring at her, awestruck. “Oh, you know… I just mean…generally speaking."

Cisco raised a firm hand. "Lemme stop you there Cait. There are more important matters at hand here and none of them have anything do with you scaring me further than this book already has.”

“Yet, you keep reading it, Ramon,” said Harry. 

“Hey, I paid 8.99 for this!" Cisco shot back. "I’m reading it from cover to cover. I work hard for my money.”

Caitlin crossed her arms and rolled her eyes. “Speaking of working hard, we need to get back to the cortex. We’ve been in the speed lab for an hour.”

“Snow’s right. Barry’s gonna start to get suspicious,” added Harry. “Lead the way, Dr.”

“I wonder how much it cost them to fill an entire bathtub with chocolate syrup,” Cisco asked as they walked towards the cortex.

"Well," Harry said, "There are many variables to take into consideration. Did they use Hershey’s or some thin cheap, off brand? How many square inches is the bathtub? Was it filled to the..."

The raised voices of Barry and Iris stopped Caitlin in her tracks. Harry and Cisco bumped into her, but she put a finger to her lips to quiet them, then motioned for them to inch towards the entrance.

“What do you MEAN you accidentally published a book about our sex life?” Barry paced frantically back and forth in front of Iris. 

Iris waved her hands. “Not us, as in Barry and Iris. Us as in me and…The Flash," she said, offering him a nervous smile. 

“We are MARRIED, Iris. People are going to think you’re cheating on me. Oh God." He palmed his forehead. “I’ll be the laughing stock of CCPD. You know how many of the cops already think you have a thing for The Flash!”

“No, you don’t understand. Let me explain, please." Iris stepped forward and grabbed his arm. 

Barry sighed, then let his weight fall against the control station. “I’m listening.”

“The book is anonymous. No identities were revealed. I’d never compromise The Flash’s identity or have you, Barry, looking foolish. You should know that.”

“But why would you publish this without asking me how I felt?”

“Well, I had written the book as a sexy gift for you and was going to get it published by one of those companies that allow you to upload and print off your own books, but somehow…someway…things got mixed up, and I unwittingly uploaded it to my Amazon author account, under my pen name, and it’s kinda-sorta-already- sold-85-copies.”

"85 copies." Barry grabbed his chest, mouth aghast. "And you’re just now telling me?”

“I didn’t know until about 45 minutes ago when my editor at CCPN sent me an email asking me to read and review the book. Since Flash stuff is my beat."

Barry threw his hands furiously into the air. “Well, isn't that great? Almost 100 people now know exactly how The Flash likes it. And my enemies! They're gonna know about that thing I do when I…God, did you add that in? You know what, don’t answer that. I don’t even wanna know."

“Barry..."

“BY THE WAY," Barry added, "If your editor has found it, it’s only a matter of time before The Team does. Have you met Cisco and Harry? They will never let me live this down.”

Iris pressed her hands into his folded arms, fluttering her big, doe eyes at him. “I know, baby, and I'm sorry. Do you think I want everyone to know how much you make me scream? How much I love how good you feel?” she continued, cupping his package. “How big you are.” 

Barry tilted his head, flattered by her words, but when she leaned up on her tiptoes to kiss him, he forced himself to break away from her reach. “No! This is how we got into this mess in the first place."

Iris sighed and humped her shoulders. “Ugh, it was a worth a shot.”

“Forreal?”

Iris laughed softly, not because anything was funny but it was all she could to stave off an anxiety attack. "I'm sorry," she said as she closed the distance between them once more. “I just hate having you mad at me. But I promise the book is getting deleted as soon as I head back to work. No one will ever know.”

“You mean other than the 85 people who’ve already downloaded it? Including your editor? Come on, Iris.”

Iris wanted to reassure him, but the right words were lost on her. Good intentions aside, she’d invited the world into their bedroom, and that wasn’t something that she could make up for with a kiss. "I'm sorry, Barr."

Barry sighed and ran a hand through his hair, “I…”

A loud, whirring alarm caught their attention. Barry rushed over to the control station to see what had set it off. Armed robbery at Central City Bank. "We’ll talk about this later."

Iris flopped into the computer chair, spinning absentmindedly. This day couldn’t get any worse if I tried.”

With Barry gone, Caitlin motioned for the guys to follow her. 

“Afternoon, Iris," Caitlin offered with a smile. 

Iris forced a smile Caitlin's way before noticing the rest of the team entering from the opposite direction “Hey guys, you just getting in?”

“Oh..um, no we’ve just been...” Cisco said.

“Working,” Harry interjected.

“On? What?" Iris asked, suspiciously. "No one was working the control station when Barry left." 

“Oh, it's something...big. ” Caitlin smiled at Iris timidly before nudging Harry, who was smirking widely, in the ribs. Iris narrowed her gaze focusing on the faces of the people in front of her. It was Cisco who had was avoiding direct eye contact, holding in what looked like nervous laughter that sent her over the edge “Oh God,” Iris said palming her forehead. “How much of that did you hear?”

“Enough to know that Barry doesn’t like being buttered up." Cisco immediately slapped his hand over his mouth. Oops.”

“Apparently he prefers warm chocolate sauce,” Harry added, laughing.

“HARRY!!,” yelled Caitlin and Cisco in unison.

Iris gasped, drowning in embarrassment. “Guess it just got worse.”


	3. Office Rendezvous

##  **_Chapter 3: Office Rendezvous  
_ **

“Iris, I am SO sorry that these two invaded your privacy like this," Caitlin offered.

“THESE two?” Cisco and Harry said at the same time.

“Like you weren’t sitting right there with us, listening,” Harry added.

“Exactly!” Cisco agreed. 

Caitlin glared in Cisco's direction. “Says the man who downloaded the book in it the first place.”

“You tell ‘em, Snow!”

“Harry?!” Cisco replied, dumbfounded.

“Hey, every man for himself, kid.”

“I’mma remember that,” Cisco begrudged.

“Hey. GUYS. This isn’t helping!” Iris jumped up from her seat at the control station. “I have bigger problems to deal with than wondering just how much of me and Barry's intimate _activities_ you know about or not.”

“Spoiler: It’s A LOT,” Harry whispered with a cheeky grin, though Iris’s returning glare wiped the smirk right from his face.

“Do NOT play with me, Harrison.”

Harry lowered his head. “Sorry West.”

"What I need is for you, Cisco to do your genius hacker thing and help me delete all traces of the book from the internet. I can delete the original from Amazon, but it won’t affect books already downloaded. Then there’s Twitter, Facebook. Instagram. Any mention of this book, I need it gone.”

"I’ll do what I can, but…is it really that serious? No one, other than us, knows that you wrote it. Or that it’s about Barry.”

“That doesn’t mean it can’t be dangerous for him.”

Cisco scratched circles into his temples. "Okay, I’m drawing a blank.”

“Dangerous for Flash, I mean,” Iris continued, wringing her hands. “Even his fiercest adversaries respect him and his abilities. But if they know some of his..."Iris tilted her head.

“....Quirks,” Harry intruded.

“Quirks." Iris nodded. “They might taunt him out in the field. And you know Barry. He gets distracted easily.”

“It’ll throw him off of his game,” Caitlin contributed.

“Exactly," Iris said. "And I can handle Barr being angry at me for accidentally putting our business out there. But I won’t be able to live with myself if he gets hurt because of me, okay?”

“Okay,” Cisco said, sincerely. “I’ll get on it. Right away.”

“Thank you, Cisco. You’re a lifesaver!"

“Think nothing of it.”

“Great!" Iris clapped. “I have to head back into work and try to talk my editor out of reviewing this book. Otherwise, all your work will be for nothing.”

“Got it, boss,” Cisco said, as he settled into the control station.

Harry followed and stood behind him, arms folded. Sensing the daggers Iris was shooting his way, he looked up. “You want something, West?”

“There's n nice way to say this, but if you breathe a single word about this book to Barry I WILL kill you. As far as he knows, none of you even know about it yet, and I want you to keep it that way."

Lips pinched, Harry nodded.Iris’s phone dinged, stealing away her attention for a spell, and Harry leaned down to Cisco. “Damn she’s uptight. Must not be getting any."

The quip garnered a sharp elbow to the ribs on Cisco’s end.

“The hell, Ramon!?”

“I’m too young and too beautiful to die. Shut up!”

Iris returned her phone to her pocket, then turned to Caitlin. “Caitlin. An aside?” Iris said, glancing suspiciously at the lollypop twins, who she was sure was up to no good.

“Sure,” said the doctor, walking with Iris out into the hall.

“So. Um. This is awkward, but exactly how much of that did you all read?”

“Umm.”

“You can tell me, I won’t get mad.”

“Alright,” Caitlin resigned. “We just briefly skimmed the first couple of pages…”

Iris sighed of relief.

“Of the first two chapters,” the doctor added quickly.

Iris's mouth dropped. “Caitlin! Why didn’t you stop them?”

“Now, Iris. You KNOW how Cisco and Harry get when they’re together. I mean look at them,” she said, pointing into the cortex.

Iris looked past Caitlin and saw the duo fighting over the controls. “Great. Two kids with a book full of real-life erotica,” Iris said, rolling her eyes.

Caitlin gulped. “Real life."

“What?”

“I just. You write beautifully, Iris,” Caitlin said, “but NONE of it was fabricated? Not even the part about the…” Her voice dropped out to a whisper. 

“Nope. 100 percent factual.”

"And the..."

"That too."

Caitlin’s eyes immediately shot to Iris’s legs. "Girl, how are you even standing?!”

Iris grabbed the other woman’s shoulders. “Caitlin, honey, FOCUS.”

“Right. I’m sorry. I just…you know, I’m a doctor. I’m curious," Caitlin said humping her shoulders.

Iris nodded slowly. "Right."

“Anyway,” Caitlin said, changing the subject, “Go to work, I’ll do my best to keep them away, okay?”

“You promise?”

“Doctor’s honor.”

“Thank you, Caitlin! I’ll be in touch.”

“What did West want, Snow?” Harry asked when Caitlin returned to the cortex.

“For me to watch the children.”

Harry looked around the cortex. “What children?”

Cisco chuckled. “She means us, genius.”

Offended, Harry perched his arm on his hip. “Children?! I have 8 PhDs.”

“And the emotional maturity of a 12-year-old. So…child.”

“Well, at least I don’t LOOK 12.”

“Guys! Enough. Okay? I have to make a phone call, but I’m going to trust that you’re done with that book, right? We’ve caused enough trouble for today.”

“RIGHT?”

“Yes, Ms. Caitlin.” Harry and Cisco said at the same time.

“Now, gimme the E-reader.”

“Caitlin, I’m appalled,” Cisco said, hand to heart.

“NOW, Cisco.

“Fine,” Cisco said, handing the e-reader over to her. 

“Thank you. Now please, do all you can to remove the book from social media. Barry’s never returned from the robbery, so he must be back at CCPD, but we don’t know when another emergency is going to pop up, okay?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Harry begrudged.

“Thanks guys.

**_________________________________**

**_________________________________**

“So, how’s it coming, Ramon?” Harry asked, a few minutes later.

“Not great. It’s not exactly easy to hack into three of the most trafficked websites on the globe. Their encryption is out of this world.”

“Ehh, Felicity could have been in and out like that." Harry snapped his fingers for added effect."

“Well, Felicity isn’t here, now is she?” Cisco retorted. Harry didn't respond and Cisco smiled “That’s what I thought," he said, retuning his attention back to the control station. “Holy Shit.”

“What?”

“ _How To Make Love To The Flash_ is trending locally on Twitter.”

"Really?"

“See for yourself.” With a tap of the button, Cisco directed the feed to the big monitor on the wall.

“Oooh,” Harry smirked as he scrolled through the tag, which so far, had over 2000 tweets in it. "This book is spreading like wildfire."

"Tell me about it."

Harry continued, "User **@SarahH** said **‘Damn. Does Flash make house calls? Asking for a friend #HowToMakeLoveToTheFlash,** ” and it has 400 likes.

“Oh God.” Cisco deadpanned.

“Then her friend, **@MelissaR** replied, ' **I’ll let you know. BRB, gonna set my house on fire #HTMLTTF'**

THEN **@SarahH** came back with “ **Not if I stage a home invasion, first!'"**

"Do NOT read Melissa's follow up out loud. It’s more graphic than the book,” Cisco said, shaking his head.

Harry laughed. “All of this for Allen, eh?”

“What do you expect, with how Iris, I mean _Jenna_ , talked him up?”

“Yeah, well Iris is going to freak. And I must admit, I’m looking forward to it."

“Iris!? Barry’s going to freak. And then Iris is going to kill me if he gets hurt because I didn’t get the book down in time.”

“Oh. Right. Allen and his safety,” Harry huffed. "Get on it then, Ramon.”

“But I haven’t broken into the code.”

Harry flashed him a shit-eating grin. “Caitlin has felicity’s number."

“You enjoy hurting me, don’t you?”

“Never,” Harry said, nodding his head up and down.

Cisco rolled his eyes. “Ugh. Come on. Before this spreads even further.”

**_________________________________**

**_________________________________**

**Chapter 3: Office Encounters**

**_It’s so cute how they underestimate him. ‘They’ as in the men he works with when he’s not saving the world. They’re not too terribly mean, though. In fact, many of them take a weird brotherly care over him._** **_But they definitely see him as inferior._ **

**_To them, he’s just a skinny, mild-mannered guy who does his job with little disruption. He’s reliable, dependable, nothing particularly special._ **

**_In their eyes, it was only by the skin of his teeth that he managed to snag a woman like me who they feel is out of his league._ **

**_If only they knew how wrong they were._ **

**_If only they knew of the power that lived in his loins, or the way my body burns with desire for it. If only they had an inkling of the way my feminine essence craves the very fiber of his being. How all it takes is one look from him to make me melt into a pile of nothing, and how just one touch can put me back together again._ **

**_And if they knew of all the surfaces in his office in which he’d taken me, he’d be out of a job faster than...well, a lightning strike._ **

**_Don’t ask me who he works for, I’ll never risk revealing his identity. If I were those men, though, I’d think twice before I sat my food down on that desk. That one too. Yes, John, especially that one._ **

“WHEW!” Caitlin fanned herself in the corner of the speed lab, where she’d taken refuge away from Cisco and Harry. “I really got to get myself a copy of this book.

“No, what you GOTTA do, is admit you’re a liar,” Cisco called out from behind her.

Caitlin jumped up immediately. “Guys, it’s not what it looks like. I-I.”

“Am busted,” Harry said, arms folded. “And to think, you chastised us for reading it, but you’re in here doing the same.”

“It’s not the same thing! You goofballs just want to make fun of Barry, I…am a woman who can appreciate well-written erotica.”

“Whatever you have to tell yourself to be able to sleep, tonight. Now Gimme my e-reader,” Cisco demanded.

Caitlin slowly outstretched her arm but recoiled it before Cisco could retrieve the tablet from it. “I promised Iris.”

“And you broke that promise, Caitlin. NOW," Cisco replied.

“Okay, okay,” she said, finally handing it over. “But I already skimmed the rest of the chapter, and I wouldn’t read that next part if I were you.”

Cisco shook his head. “Nuh-uh. You lost all right to give orders.”

“Fine. But I want NO parts of this,” Caitlin said, before scurrying away.

“Can you BELIEVE her?” Cisco asked Harry.

“After the way she stared longingly off in the distance, umm yeah. What you should have asked, is if I understood.”

“Fair enough.”

“Now,” Harry said, snatching the E-reader from Cisco’s hand. “Let’s see where Caitlin left off.”

**_________________________________**

**_________________________________**

**_"You might ask why we choose to…engage at his place of business, but it’s the same reason we engage at mine. The thrill of getting caught mid-suck, or thrust, ups the stakes. It also emboldens my overly polite hero, who gets a rush of adrenaline, knowing that he has to keep his powers bubbling just underneath the surface, in case we have to make a quick escape._ **"

**_________________________________**

**_________________________________**

Cisco gasped. “At their jobs, too?! Dang, do they do anything other than have sex?”

“You jealous, Ramon?”

“Maybe a little.”

“Maybe?”

“I…uhh…think I’ll know if you read the rest of that chapter.”

Harry smiled. “Acceptance is the first step to recovery my friend." Harry adjusted his glasses and returned his attention to the screen, but no sooner than he did, his smile dropped off of his face.

Cisco, who was fumbling with his palms, glanced up when Harry didn’t start back up. “Any day now, Poindexter.”

“You know what, Snow’s right, Cisco. We’ve gone far enough.”

Cisco narrowed his gaze, looking for traces of truth on Harry’s face. “Since when do you care about what’s ‘right’,” Cisco said, emphasizing his point with air quotes.

“Uhh,” Harry replied, attempting to buy a little time. “Screw it. You’re going to find out eventually. Here. You should read it yourself."

Lips turned upward in confusion, Cisco reluctantly took the device from the scientist’s hands. “Harry,” he said, slowly. “What’s going on?”

“Just read it, Ramon. But be warned, you’ll never be the same again.

Cisco shot Harrison one final suspecting glance, then turned his attention back to Iris’s book. He scanned the page until he came to the place where the older man left off, then continued, slowly…

 **_“Speaking of escapes, of all of the delicious office encounters we’ve had, the best ones always come when we’re at Flash’s unofficial place of business, the place he spends all of his free time, when he’s not home with me, of course._ **”

“She means STAR Labs, right?” Cisco asked. 

“Precisely.”

“Why would I care…”

“Just read.”

**_________________________________**

**_________________________________**

**_“Even in a facility as spacious and as uninhabited as his, there’s one place in the building that we sneak off to, more than them all. Unlike some of the other areas, it’s temp-controlled, and the acoustics in the room allow my moans to ricochet off of the walls, and bounce back between all of the little trinkets and gadgets that are displayed in the room like trophies."_ **

**_________________________________**

**_________________________________**

“Wait,” Cisco said, slowly “That sounds like…"

"Come on, you're almost there," Harrison egged him on.

"That sounds like. MY LAB. Oh, God."

Harry jumped and clapped. "And he's GOT it!"

"They fornicated in front of my babies!? My CHILDREN?!"

“Calm down, buddy.”

Cisco jumped up. “Calm down?! I can’t! They’re so young. So pure. And yet, they’ve been subjected to this depraved speedster sex show. Oh, my GOD!” Cisco clutched his chest. “I’ve failed my creations.”

Caitlin re-entered the room, and upon seeing Cisco's downward spiral, looked over to Harry “I take it, he read the rest of that page, huh?

“I tried to stop him,” Harry said, raising his hands.

“Sure you did,” Caitlin replied. “We have a bigger problem right, now, though.”

“What could possibly be a bigger problem than this?” Cisco asked, distraught.”

“Barry’s back.”

“Good. I’m going to kill him!" Cisco charged in the direction of the cortex but Caitlin grabbed his arm. 

“Wait. You’re not supposed to know about the book.”

“Yeah, well, I do. And now I know Barry’s been getting his rocks off in front of my gadgets. He’s going to PAY." He fought Caitin's grip, but failed. 

“Cisco!” Caitlin yelled. “Later, Cisco. For now, do this for Iris.”

“Oh, Ms. Hot in the pants is going to pay too,” Cisco replied.

“Fine, fine. Pay them both back. But first, there’s something else we need to take care of. Barry’s in the cortex and his suit is RUINED.”

Cisco’s face dropped. “Oh God. Is he hurt?”

“No! He's...umm..well..I’ll…uh…let you see for yourself..."


	4. Oral Transactions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my first time updating this story in about two years, so I forgot how fun it is to just be ridiculous sometimes. I so hope you enjoy this! Please let me know what you think!

#  _Chapter 4: Oral Transactions_

Cisco and Harry rushed into the cortex and came to an abrupt halt when they saw Barry leaned defeatedly against the control station, suit pushed down his body like a pair of half-worn overalls. 

His chest, abs and, sides, which appeared to be bloodied -- or bruised -- were all exposed. 

Cisco rushed over immediately, with Harry trailing closely behind. “Dude, what happened? Did you get jumped? "

Barry opened his mouth to respond, but when the right words didn’t come, he humped his shoulders haphazardly. “Oh, I...ran into the wall.”

Cisco narrowed his gaze. “A wall?”

“Yeah, a...really big one.” Barry opened his arms wide to illustrate his point, but when he did, the picture in front of Cisco became clearer.

What he’d thought was blood was a cluster of smeared lipstick prints that spanned the side of Barry's neck, face, and shoulders. Different sizes, several different shades. 

Cisco titled his head, then looked from Barry to Harry. 

And when the older man inaudibly confirmed his suspicions with a subtle head nod, Cisco looked back to Barry, who'd crossed his arms and tucked his fingers underneath his armpits.

Cisco held up a finger -- because he had to be sure -- and opened the Twitter app on his phone. 

The #HowToMakeLoveToTheFlash tag had grown to nearly 3500 Tweets, the most recent of which were first-hand accounts of a mob of women who’d ransacked the Flash over in the shopping district. 

Cisco’s mouth dropped open, shock overriding the anger-turned-concern he’d been feeling for Barry. He closed out the app, then slipped the phone back in his pocket. Awkward silence wafted between the room until Barry finally broke it “Can you, uh, get my spare suit out of the storage for me? I need to get back to work.”

Harry snickered. “Work.”

Cisco glanced back at Harry. “Can you do what Barry asked?” 

The older scientist folded his arms and shook his head. “I'd rather hear about this wall. This _big_ wall,” Harry said stretching his own arms wide. "A wall so big it obliterated a reinforced, fire-proof, water-resistant teflon super suit.”

Barry scratched his head frantically for a response, but Caitlin entered and grabbed Harry by the shoulders. “Suit, Harry.”

“But.”

“NOW." 

Caitlin tugged at Harry's arms. Harry dug his feet into the ground, scuffing his shoes in the process, but eventually let the doctor lead him out of the room, towards Cisco’s lab. 

Barry took the chance to flee. 

He walked towards the changing room, next to the display case that usually housed his suit, in search of his day clothes. He needed to get back to work before he let the cat out of the bag about how Iris has upended his entire life in a matter of two hours with this damn book. 

Cisco leaned underneath the control station for a pack of wet ones -- all he had on hand. “Barr?”

Barry turned on his heels just before he disappeared into the room. “Yeah?”

Cisco handed him over the wipes. Barry slowly outstretched his hand, looking at him curiously. “For the blood.”

Barry scrunched up his face. “Blood?”

Cisco guided Barry’s shoulders towards the display case. 

Barry’s eyes widened as he caught his reflection and all of the lipstick from the mob of women made its way into his line of sight. He pressed a hand to his neck and mumbled profanities into the air. 

“What was that, Barr?” Cisco asked. 

But Barry didn’t seem to hear him, frantically wiping the definitely-lipstick-and-not-blood from his body, before he sped out of the lab in a speed of light. Cisco peeked into the changing room and, sure enough, his shredded suit was on the floor and his clothes were gone. 

Harry just missed him, re-entering the room a second later after, Barry’s spare suit in hand. “Hey, where’d Romeo Van Damme go?” 

Cisco chuckled, but caught himself before he descended into a full-on fit of laughter. “Back to work. Just put the suit in the case.” 

Harry did as was requested, then joined Cisco, who'd resumed working on trying to hack into Amazon’s servers, but was uncharacteristically quiet. Harry scratched his chin, looking onto his colleague suspiciously. Cisco caught his gaze and flexed his eyes. “What?”

“Allen walked in here like a 90’s heart throb whose tour bus broke down in the suburbs, covered in lipstick, and you made nary a joke.” 

Cisco shrugged.“Iris doesn’t make idle threats. And I value my life -- unlike you. Besides, I have to get this book down before the whole world knows about it.”

Harry rolled his eyes then leaned his weight back into his computer chair. He was a world-class scientist, yet he was being forced to deal with Allen's stupid problems - again. Annoyed by the silence, he pulled out his phone in hopes of scoping out more Tweets about the book...

**_________________**

Iris West trotted into CCPN and made a beeline for her editor, Miranda King’s office. Cisco still hadn’t managed to remove her book and mentions of it from the internet, so Iris somehow had to convince her boss that running a review of the book wasn’t the best move for the paper. 

Just as Iris turned the knob of Miranda’s office, Linda Park, the paper’s sports editor, and her friend, grabbed her arm.

“Linda, what's wrong?”

“I need to talk to you. Right now”

“I can’t.I still have to delete that _little problem_ I texted you about.”

Linda nodded “I know. That’s the problem.” Linda leaned in close so no one else could overhear. “A woman has come forward as the author of...you know...”

Iris’s mouth dropped open. “Wh-what? Who?”

Miranda’s door opened before Linda could respond. “There’s our flagship Flash reporter,” said the editor with a wide smile. “Been waiting on you to return from your break so we could talk about covering this book.” 

Iris smiled, thin. “Speaking of that, I was thinking maybe we should wait things out. Our paper shouldn't be putting a spotlight on erotica from an unverified source -- even if it is about the Flash.”

Miranda smiled warmly. “I’ve taught you well dear, but the source is no longer unverified.”

“Yeah, Linda told me some woman has come forward but anyone can say claim anything.”

“Which is why you’re going to vet her for me -- right now.”

“Come again?”

Miranda laughed softly. “She’s in my office, come on I’d like you to meet her.”

Iris looked past Miranda, to her desk where a woman with long, burnt orange hair sat with her back facing the window. She gasped, then looked back to Linda; Linda’s hands shot up, in defense.Miranda placed a hand at the small of Iris’s back and guided her into the room. 

And before Iris could protest more, the woman at the desk turned back around, and a blinding smile spread across her face. “Iris West in the flesh!” 

Iris stopped breathing, her brain stuttering to reconcile seeing the face of the woman in front of her, who was greeting her with such enthusiasm, she was sure the universe had shifted out of balance. “Becky...Cooper?”

Becky smiled proudly. “That is what they call me”

“You two know each other?” Miranda asked.

“Knew.” Becky said curt. “In High School, many, many moons ago." Becky walked over and reached out to her for a hug, but Iris’s body was rigid, fighting her brain’s attempt to not behave unprofessionally. To hug this woman who’d not only strung along her best friend, but broke his heart. Twice.

Eventually, Iris raised her arms and embraced Becky. 

When they parted, Becky smiled her phoniest smile, which only Iris could see. But the venom on Becky's tongue, that was her trademark all through-out High School, was bubbling underneath her fake veneers. “I’ve been reading your Flash work for years, and I must say, very impressed.”

“Thanks.” Iris gritted. “I take it, that’s why you’re here...about this book...that _you wr_ ote?" Her words were strained, tasting like tar and ashes and coal all rolled into one.

“It is, it is. Please sit down.We have much to discuss.”

Iris pinched her lips closed to keep the string of expletives on the tip of her tongue from escaping, then reluctantly took a seat next to Becky, on the other side of Miranda’s desk. 

Miranda followed the women and took her seat at her office chair, then pulled out her tablet. “Okay, so, as you probably know, this book has taken of on Twitter, Ms. Cooper.”

Becky laughed, flipping her hair over her shoulders. “Well, Central City loves The Flash. As much as I do.”

Iris’s throat closed, and she fell into a coughing fit that garnered a concerned stare from Miranda and a confused one from Becky. 

“Are you alright, Iris?” Miranda asked. 

“Yes, I’m good,” Iris replied, voice winded and rasped. “I don’t know what came over me.” Though, Iris knew it was certainly an overwhelming urge to clock Becky in the neck.

Becky pushed her hair behind her ears and turned back towards Miranda. . “Anyway,” she said dismissively, “Will there be a photographer to take my picture for my feature?”

Miranda laughed. “Before we get ahead of ourselves, Iris, here is going to vet your account to make sure you’re being truthful. And if everything checks out, then yes, you’ll have a photographer for the feature.”

Becky flashed Iris a thin smile. “Of course.”

Iris sighed. “Ma’am, are you sure this is what we should be focusing on right now? Given --”

“Yes, this book is trending all over the city and we need to get on this before another paper does.”

Iris rolled her eyes. _Fucking Cisco._

“Speaking of,” Becky said, “I think we should frame the feature around Chapter 4 of the book.”

“That’s...Oral Transactions!” Iris squealed.

“Oh, Good you’ve already read it.” Becky replied. 

_Read it, I wrote it, bitch._ But "Skimmed it,” is what Iris pushed out, over the lump in her throat. “But that chapter. It’s very…” She tilted her head, teetering to find the appropriate phrasing.

“Lustful, graphic,” Becky said with a smile. “But there’s no other way to write about the sex I had with the Flash, other than to just put it all out there.”

Iris’s hand shot to her hip out of instinct. “Oh is that so?” 

“Yeah,” Becky pushed back. “It is.”

Iris looked back over to Miranda, hopefully for backup, but the older woman was engrossed in something on her iPad. “Ms. King?”

“Oh, sorry,” Miranda said. “I was just looking over Ms. Cooper’s beautiful writing.”

“Alleged writing.”

"Yes, yes, alleged.” Miranda laughed. “Anyway, I can see the book is taking off the way it has. This passage in, particular…”

**_______________________________ **

**_The Flash’s speed is his trademark._ **

**_With it, he zips. Flies. Skids._ **

**_In front of bullets, cars, and other projectiles, putting himself in harm's way to save innocent lives. It allows him to make time bend to his will. To slow things down around him while he fixes what shouldn't be broken._ **

**_For Central City, Flash’s speed is their saving grace. But when he comes home to me after a long day, tired, drained, empty, his speed is my undoing._ **

**_The first time he raced into our bedroom, eyes low and weary, cowl hanging defeatedly over his shoulders, I expected bad news. The air felt heavy, fraught with possibilities -- none of them good. But then he stepped forwards, and told me to “take off my clothes" and "lay down” with a gaze that dared me to question him, I obliged him. Blouse, skirt, heels, bra, and panties, all gone in a matter of seconds._ **

**_A second onward, I was on my back, legs spread, ass dangling over the edge of the bed, my hungry speedster’s face pressed firmly in between my thighs. His tongue ravished me, from pussy to asshole, licking, drinking, feasting on every part of me._ **

**_Everything the city took from him, my body returned to him._ **

**_I writhed on my back in ecstasy, legs on the brink of quaking. And just when I was about to cross the finish line, he lifted his head, lips, and chin, glistening from my juices._ ** I ** _foolishly settled into the lull, for moment, only to have him then plunge his tongue deep inside of me, vibrating it so much force, he rattled not only my body, our bed, and the floor, but also the faith I had in my soul ever returning to my body._ **

**_____________________________**

Miranda looked up, face flushed. “That is...wow..”

Becky smiled. “Yeah, well what can I say? I’m a lucky woman.”

And it was those words, from Becky’s lips, that had Iris’s legs shaking violently -- a stark contrast to the reason her legs were shaking when she wrote that chapter. 

Feeling the floor vibrating under her feet, Becky slanted Iris a glance. “Uh, Iris, are sure you’re up to do my interview? Because, if not, Miranda here can do it." She looked over to the editor. “Can’t you?”

Ms. King shook her head. “I’m flattered dear, but The Flash is Iris’s beat. She’s the one who brought her coverage to the paper, so...interview is hers.”

Iris flashed Becky a snarky smile. For a moment, Becky’s face shone pure apathy, but she pushed it down. “Great...that’s great.”

Just as Iris was about to jump back into this mindless, soul-sucking conversation, Linda walked through the door and Iris had to stop herself from thanking the heavens. 

“Hey ladies, mind if I sit in on the interview?” Linda asked. “It’s not every day we get someone purporting to know The Flash on a personal, _intimate_ level.”

Iris scrunched her face; She was hoping Linda would help to give her an out -- to end the interview. Not continue it. 

“I don’t see why not,” Ms. King said. 

“Thanks!” Linda pulled up a third seat and took a seat to the left of Iris Iris, who looked over to her, incredulous. 

Linda leaned close to Iris’s ear and whispered, “I was listening outside the door and...given the subject matter thought you might need a little help.“Iris smiled, grateful to know that her friend hadn’t lost her mind. “Now let’s grill this bitch.”

Iris eagerly turned her attention back to Becky, who seemed perturbed by the other woman’s presence. “So, Ms. Cooper, what did you say was the status of your relationship with the Flash?”

Becky blinked, rapidly. “Uh, what do you mean?”

Iris’s eyes shifted to Becky’s bare ring finger. “You obviously aren’t married,” Iris said, borrowing a notepad and pen from Miranda’s desk. 

The other woman looked down at her own hands and instinctively withdrew them. “Right.”

“But in the book, you mention Flash coming home to you.”

“Every night,” Becky said, nose turned up. 

"So what do you call yourselves? Boyfriend/girlfriend? Friends with benefits? Or is this more of a hit it and quit it, wam, bam, thank you ma'am situation?”

Becky scoffed. “Nobody hits and quits Becky Cooper.”

Iris nodded and jotted in her notepad: “Nobody hits and quits Becky Cooper. Got it.”

“Wait. You’re not including that quote in the profile, are you?”

Iris shrugged. “Depends.”

“On?” Becky asked just as the blaring sound of Miranda’s phone stole everyone’s attention. 

“Oh, I have to take this call,” she said. “Iris, Linda, you can finish this without me, right?”’

“Of course we can,” Iris and Linda said in unison. 

“Great. It was nice meeting you Ms. Cooper, I hope that everyone pans out and we can feature you in our paper.”

Defeated, Becky nodded solemnly. “Me too.”

With Miranda Gone, Iris took it upon herself to take up Miranda’s seat, across from Becky. “Okay, Becky, I’m going to give you a chance to walk back your claims about Flash and put an end to all of this.”

“And why would I do that?'”

Iris sighed. "Look, didn’t want to put you on blast in front of Ms. King, but I already contacted Flash and he told me he’s never had a relationship with you.”

Becky looked from Iris to Linda and folded her arms. “Oh, so that’s why you were acting so weird. Flash’s media mouthpiece is jealous,” Becky said with a laugh. “What, mad that you’re not the only person with a direct line to him?”

“The only thing I’m jealous of is your ability to delude yourself into believing whatever lies your brain conjures up.”

Becky scoffed. “Same old Iris from High School. Can’t stand when the attention isn’t on her.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Oh, don’t act like you weren’t green with envy the entire time Barry and I dated back then.The second he wasn’t following you around like a lost puppy dog, you lost it and you put in his heart that I wasn’t fit for him.”

“Well, you did cheat on him -- twice-- so I was obviously right.”

“You know what.” Becky rose from her seat (eliciting the same response from Iris) but Linda blocked her. 

“Ladies, ladies, ladies, we’re in a professional setting. No need to get physical.” 

Becky angrily shifted herself out of Linda’s grasp, but took her advice and sat back down. Iris followed after Becky was seated, sliding her folded hands on top of the desk. It put Iris’s wedding ring in full view of the other woman. 

“So is that why you married him?” Becky said, unable to ignore the blinding diamond on Iris’s finger. 

“What?”

“Barry. Because you couldn’t stand the fact that I had him first.”

“Used. You used him, then discarded him like a rag. But jokes on you, because he deserved better, and, guess what: he got it.”

Linda couldn’t hold in her snickering and that sent Becky over the edge. She hastily gathered her purse and jumped from her seat. “You’re obviously not the newspaper who deserves my Flash feature. Enjoy telling your boss that I’m heading over to The Times.”

Iris laughed. “Oh, I will. Right before I publish my live video interview with The Flash where he explicitly denies having ever known you, platonically, or romantically, therefore exposing you as the liar you are, but in a measure of good faith, also urges his enemies to not show up on your doorstep to hold you for ransom, in hopes he’ll bend to their mercy. You, know, given that you’re going to tell the world the fucking Flash lives with you.”

Becky’s eyes widened, as the worst-case scenario Iris presented her with, which she hadn’t considered, burrowed its way into her consciousness. She turned up her nose, then scurried out of Miranda’s office, and hopefully out of Iris’s life -- for the last time. 

“Damn!” Linda laughed, once Becky was out of earshot. “Remind me to never threaten to tell the world _I_ slept with The Flash.”

Iris humped her shoulders. "I’m not worried, you’re not a liar.”

“True. Barry only ever ate…” Linda stopped abruptly, but there was no walking back what she was about to say. Iris’s mouth dropped open, her eye twitching violently. 

Linda flubbed her attempt to clean up her former line of thinking, but Iris raised a hand to silence her. “Iris--” she tried again. 

“Aht!” Iris said, pressing her eyes closed. When they opened, a moment later, Linda’s face, which was bright red now, came into focus. 

“Umm, why don’t I give you a moment?” Linda pushed out, before Iris could cut her off again. 

Iris just smiled, tight, and nodded. And once Linda had made her exit, she whipped her phone and out dialed up her husband. 

**_____________________________**

Barry perched his phone on the pastry table of the CCPD packed break room and put his call on speaker phone. “Hey, Iris. What’s up?” He asked, picking up a large cinnamon apple danish with a napkin. 

“Why didn’t you tell me you went down South with Linda?”

He quirked his brows. “Down South? We never traveled at all.”

“Apparently, your mouth did!” 

Barry gasped, as every cop on break in the room looked his way. He scanned the room horrified at the judgemental stares directed his way, scurried to take his phone off speaker, and rushed out of the room. “Iris, I was on speaker phone!”

“Don’t change the subject, Bartholomew.”

“Bartholomew. Wow.” Barry pressed a stressed hand to his forehead, where beads of sweat were starting to gather. “Why are you and Linda bringing up something that happened years ago?”

“So you _did_ go down on her?”

“Once,” Barry replied, voice low, and slow because he didn’t know if he’d have a wife on the other side of his response. “And it was so long ago, I’m not sure why it matters now.”

Iris scoffed. “Never kiss me again.”

Barry titled his head, amazed by the gall of this woman. “Amazing.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“By your logic, I guess I shouldn’t kiss you either. Because…”

“Go ahead. Finish that sentence. I dare you,” Iris snarled from the other end of the phone. 

Barry sighed, letting his weight fall back against the wall. “Iris, honey, this is silly. We have bigger problems to focus on. Like the fact that this book of yours got me mobbed by a group of lonely, love-struck women this morning.” 

"Excuse me?” Iris replied, in disbelief. 

“I responded to a robbery at that bridal boutique that you refused to get your wedding dress from.”

“You mean the two-for-one dress shack that couldn’t even legally claim their dresses were made of tulle or lace” Iris replied, surprised he was audacious enough to even bring up that potato sack factory again. 

“Precisely,” Barry replied, ignoring the sarcasm in her response. “And right after I apprehended the thief, I let my guard down for literally two seconds, then a mob of customers ambushed me. Completely obliterated my suit.” 

“Oh, honey,” Iris replied, unable to contain her laughter. Because as much as she was annoyed by Barry right now, the image of a bunch of lonely women forming a mob to get at him was an image that warranted a chuckle or two. 

“I’m glad you think this is funny, Iris. Because--”

“No, no. It’s not funny. I just...wow, I can’t believe our sex life caused all of this mess.” 

Barry scoffed into the phone.

“Okay, I can’t believe me _writing_ about our sex life caused all of this mess.”

“Thank you. And I can’t either. But like you said, it’s out there now, we just have to grin and bear it until it dies down, I guess..”

“Speaking of, I almost slapped your little ex girlfriend today.”

“Linda?”

“No,” Iris replied, voice tight, “The _other_ one. The evil one.”

Barry laughed. “Oh. Bec-Ky COO-per?”

Iris rolled her eyes, and even though they were miles apart, Barry was sure he could see her. “Do not make me slap you too.”

“I’m just teasing. Anyway, why did almost slap her? And when did you have time to run into her?” 

“She showed up at CCPN and told my boss she wrote the book.”

“You lie!” 

“I wish! The crazy part is that she had Ms. King wrapped around her finger and almost got her little 15-minutes of fame. But then I reminded her that by claiming proximity to the Flash, she was putting her own life in danger. _Kindly_ , of course.”

“I’m sure you were _very_ kind.”

“Oh, the kindest.”

Barry laughed. “Becky was always self-absorbed. But I never clocked her as fame-hungry.”

“I didn’t even get to tell you the best part! She accused me of being jealous of your relationship with her, back in High School. Can you believe that?”

Barry went silent, causing Iris to follow up. “Barr? Did you hear me? Becky actually accused me of being jealous! That’s crazy right?”

Barry, who unsure of how to proceed, rubbed a nervous hand down the back of his neck. “Yeah, uh, well...you know…emotions are complex and perception is subjective and...” 

Iris scoffed, overcome with offense. 

**_Click._ **


End file.
